If there is anyone who is too patient with me, it has to be my blog although it doesn't really qualify to be "someone." Kekeke. Once again, you have been abandoned for far too long!
I think I may have forgotten my blog's birthday too. Shame on me! This calls for a birthday check because I have forgotten my blog's age!!!!
Anyways, here I am again. Up at 5.38am. Not exactly for no reason. I know it's partially because I am on my vampire mode again. Boy, IS IT HARD TO TURN BACK MY BIOLOGICAL CLOCK!!!! I don't know whether it is due to age or because it has become a habit but IT IS ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO BE AWAKE DURING THE DAY NOWADAYS. I might have caught a sleeping disorder unknowingly. @_@
Listening to Michael Jackson (RIP MJ and bless the legend.) while browsing through recipes. It's time to cook again. I have not been spending any time in the kitchen lest to take a glass of water and mostly, it just stops at that. Sigh.
Books to read, recipes to cook, games to play, movies to watch, photos to take! All my hobbies are on hold. Time is spent musing online, wondering about people and more people. Taking interest in what people do although to be honest, it's just all very normal. Nothing's very out of the ordinary. Why do I take interest in it then?
On a very separate note, I apologise to my readers for abandoning the blog and leaving you with nothing but rotting posts! I wonder whether I still have any readers (have not been checking Sitemeter.) but let's just pretend I still have a handful. =P I kind of blame Twitter and Plurk for this. I have walked into their trap head on and let mini blogs overtake my blog!!! How could I ever be so blind (and lazy) ? Micro-blogging may be easier and simpler but 140 words is simply too little to convey complex emotions and PHOTOS! How can the photos be left behind?! Random photos can be posted on Twitter and Plurk but it lacks the coherence and personal touch that comes with blogging. I dare say I am now enlightened and will try to make it a point to visit this tiny but very important space more often. =)
Actually I don't need to lie to myself and neither should I lie to all of you. I know for sure one of the reasons I have not been blogging so often is because I have been feeling a lack of freedom to openly say what I want and feel without experiencing a certain backlash in good or bad ways. Perhaps, I recently have been overcome by so many emotions that I cannot open up or even want to because I just cannot. How strange to hear such pessimistic thoughts from me! Not really that strange actually when I realise that much of my internal conflicts have altered me into something-not-quite-me.
What?! Chareli is emo?!
Yes, Chareli is emo and Chareli has her bad days as much as she hates it.
No, let's put a stop to that pessimism.
The corrected sentence: Yes, Chareli was emo and Chareli has her bad days as much as she hates it.
20 and 21 are not exactly as glorious as I thought it would be. Wrong turns. Wrong decisions. Very stupid mistakes. Actions I am not proud of. No wonder I've been "down in a hole" for so long now.
Surprised? Yes. I would say I am quite good at hiding my emotions. Not everyone was fooled, I'm sure but I know not many people know what's going on. I don't mind. In fact, I don't want people to know but yet, I know I need to let off some steam before I drive myself crazy with my monologue. As for being "down in a hole" (I do love that Alice in Chains song!), I'm trying to see the light again. Get rid of this person who claims to be "me" and believe that all is not lost. Believe me, once you have been in that situation, you will know how hard it is to get out of it. It's like a bad habit you just can't dispose. Imagine being blinded by darkness and believing that you alone have to take the burden. You alone caused the pain that is yet to come. And at the same time, you cannot mend the past. Sigh. What a rut I was in and am still trying to get out of.
For all that, I apologise to those I may have hurt. If there is any distance or underlying tension, it should all be my wrongdoing and I sincerely apologise for that. =/
Oh well. It's time to look up from here.
We'll be fine. I know I will be. I always am. =)
My positivity baffles the shit out of me sometimes. =P
Step 1: Don't panic!
16 years ago
